


Automemories

by VerifyLowDeath



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Child Death, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kugelmugel no im sorry, Minor Character Death, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25014745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerifyLowDeath/pseuds/VerifyLowDeath
Summary: Austria is incapable of showing fatherly affection towards children due to past traumatic events concerning Holy Rome and the Italy brothers.He finds himself saddled with the responsibility of taking care of a childish micronation.
Kudos: 15





	Automemories

**Author's Note:**

> This is from my Wattpad account, LucasLovesBurgers. I'm moving some of my bettet works onto here

Austria stared at the being before him, eyes bulging and mouth slightly agape. This...was not supposed to happen; what was in front of him was not supposed to– to exist! No. He couldn't do this again. Not again. He wouldn't be able to handle losing another one. Not _again_.

Though, his boss seemed keen on him taking in the small child before him. A small, fragile child, whose life hangs on a simple thread; who can very easily dissappear at any moment in time. Was this supposed to be payback for something he had done to his boss in the past?

"Well, I suppose this can already be considered settled. You will take in the micronation and raise it as we figure out what to do with it's home," his boss said, a typical bored tone hanging in his voice. Austria gave him a side glare, knowing fully well that his boss didn't seem to understand what exactly he was doing.

"Are you unable to take him into your own care?" Austria asked as politely as he could, easing his cold stare, "this micronation could very well be dealt with in a few months. You certainly have the lifespan."

"It is...unlike you to refuse orders, Edelstein," the boss rested his body on his elbows, the desk giving a soft creak, "however, concerning the topic you've brought up, it is only common sense that a micronation should be housed with their mother nation."

"I am...unable to parent a child, sir," Austria concluded, adjusting his jabot out of rushing nerves. He wasnt half wrong; just looking at the boy in front of him was enough to make him homesick for a place that no longer existed.

"Kugelmugel, please wait outside," the boss said, giving Kugelmugel a sympathetic look as he left the room. Austrias look wasnt as kindhearted, seeing as his eyes gave away that he hated looking at the child at all. The boss sighed at this, making sure that Kugelmugel was out of the room for sure until speaking again.

"Roderich, I am aware of your history concerning past nations you had to care for. It must be hard, losing your children in one lifetime and still having to continue on," Roderich visibly flinched at the word lost. Lost would not be the word he would describe some of their departures from him– wait, how would his boss even understand what it feels like to lose little children?! He is a human, not a nation whom has to bear those wounds forever. How distasteful, "However, you should at least try to care for him. He already loves you; you can see it in his eyes."

"I was not lying when I said I cannot take care of children," Roderich choked out, much to his dismay, "he already reminds me too much of them. How am I supposed to take care of something I cannot look at without getting sick to my stomach?"

"You don't have to love him as you did them– if you're that scared of history repeating itself of course," the boss said, an almost challenging tone ringing his words.

Roderich stayed silent for a while after that, his eyes surprisingly vulnerable. After blinking them back into their stone cold walls, he spoke once more, "Fair enough; I shall take care of him for the time being. I expect you to take care of this situation as efficiently as possible."

"Understood, now take him home. There's work to be done and this conversation has gone on far too long."

Roderich gave a polite nod, leaving the room and immediately noticing the child making finger art on the frosted windows. He narrowed his eyes, walking over to him, "May I ask you on what you're doing?"

Kugelmugel turned his head towards Austria, his big purple eyes peering into matching ones. This glaring similarity was already enough to send bile to his throat, but he didnt allow it to show. If he shared emotion with this child, he would begin to grow attached to it; he was far too aware of that drawback, "I'm making art, dad."

Roderich stiffened at that last word, his entire body freezing up and his head spinning. When was the last time someone had considered him a father figure? A long time ago he didn't want to remind himself about.

"Dad is what I should call you, isn't it? You did help create me, like a parent," Kugelmugel pointed out, causing Roderich to furrow his eyebrows.

"Refer to me as Austria or Mr.Austria, please," Roderich said, a pleading tone just out of hearings reach. He dreaded hearing even a sliver of it entangled in his own voice, but he supposed it could not be helped in this situation.

"I'm sorry, Mr.Austria."

"I had not told you beforehand, there is no need to apologize for something you did not know," Austria mustered up his warmest smile, it quickly fading when he realized the soft tone in his voice. Was he trying to get himself attached to this– this time bomb?!

"Thank you," Kugelmugel hid his face as he smiled, a soft tinge of embarrassment kissing his cheeks in the process, "I won't make the same mistake again, Mr.Austria."

"Good, now let's return home. I hope you don't get train sick easily," Austria stood up, Kugelmugel following after shortly. His eyes trailed to the small artwork that was made on the window. It was already beginning to be erased with fresh frost, how tragic.

"Do you...like my art, Mr.Austria?" Kugelmugel asked, looking up at him.

"It is...certainly above average. Dare I say you have talent," Austria muttered, averting his eyes away from Kugelmugel's form. It was one of the best he's seen, but that was far too high of praise.

"Thank you, I was proud of it," Kugelmugel said, a proud look on his face as his curls end turned into that of a heart. Austria hated that curl, it certainly mimicked his own, far too much for his pleasure. Seeing so much of himself and them in this child made him want to run away.

As they left the building and walked towards the train station he had taken due to such a short notice, he held back the urge to take Kugelmugels tiny hand into his own.

\---

Weeks passed since Kugelmugel had moved in, his presence gradually becoming more and more noticeable. For the first few days, Austria attempted to ignore him all together; his only interactions with Kugelmugel being through meals and the occasional times he would wander in to draw while listening to his piano playing. That last part was quite enjoyable, as much as Austria hated to admit it. Having someone finally appreciate his piano to the full extent made him quite happy, although he would never show it.

It was on the third day that Austria dropped the ignore strategy, seeing as how common Kugelmugel would pass by or would try to talk to him. Instead he limited his vocabulary towards Kugelmugel, hoping that he neutral and formal phrasing would be enough to both satisfy Kugel and not allow him to grow closer than he already had. It proved to be ineffective, since he's been finding himself to be giving such sincere responses to Kugelmugels worries about whether or not his latest art piece lived up to its predecessors.

He hated it, but refused to show it until now.

His fingers hammered against the keys, playing Winter Wind with such ferocity you might as well consider the piece Winters Blizzard. It would be better to allow himself to express his feelings through the piano than to allow them to explode at any random moment. Far better, seeing as this gave him some sort of control.

Kugelmugel ended up wandering in, an almost concerned look on his face as he started painting on easel Austria has set up in here for him. Thats right...he had set that up, hadnt he? Roderich's mind vomited insults at him; how foolish had he been, doing such an act that easily helped form some sort of bond.

"Mr.Austria?"

Austria had to refrain from slamming his fists on the keys and shouting some very colorful German words. He took a deep breath and turned to look at Kugelmugel, his eyes narrowing at the worried look.

"Your art is angry, very angry," Kugelmugel said, his eyes furrowing as he frowned, "Why are you upset?"

"Art cannot be interpreted as angry to an untrained eye, Kugelmugel," Austria said, averting his eyes away from Kugelmugel's and back to the ivory keys of his piano.

"I can see your piano, Mr.Austria. So many bold colors, loud colors; it hurts to hear it," Kugelmugel crawled up onto his the piano bench, Austria feeling the chilling nostalgia of a time that is to forever remain forgotten, "Your art is always blue and purple, so sad, yet so calm. Its soothing to hear."

"You describe the piano as if it had colors, Kugelmugel," Austria put a hand to his mouth, concealing the smile that such an absurd concept brought to his lips.

"Can you not see them aswell?"

"These so called colors? No, I'm afraid that I do not."

"I...thought everyone could see sound's colors, my apologies, Mr.Austria," Kugelmugel looked down at his crisscrossed lap, Austria's mind stuck in a buffer before realizing what this meant.

"Synesthesia, mein gott," Austria half-praised, obviously impressed with this sudden turn of events.

"Synesthesia? Is...that bad?" Kugelmugel asked, Austria shaking his head no.

"Nein, you are a very lucky child. It's no wonder you are so good at art, Italy," Austria smiled proudly, his hand ruffling Kugelmugel's hair.

"Mr.Austria...I'm not Italy," Kugelmugel said in obvious confusion, "I'm Kugelmugel, remember?"

"I–" Austria's face fell, his hand retracting from Kugelmugel's hair immediately, "Of course. I must apologize; my head is playing tricks on me again."

"Why would your head play tricks on you?"

"When you get to a certain age, your mind likes to remind you of things you'll never be able to have again," Austria explained, a solemn look falling over him.

"Is that why your music is so sad?"

"I suppose so, Kugelmugel," Austria muttered, his fingers trailing over the keys. Old keys that used to play such happy music to a family that was...happy. Now that family was ripped apart and mauled to death, no remains to be had, "This topic is quite depressing, we should switch to something more lighthearted."

"...Alright, Mr.Austria."

\---

"Mr.Austria, can we visit my home? I miss it," Kugelmugel asked, swinging back and forth on the rocking chair. Austria looked up from the book he was reading, silent for a moment in contemplation.

"I do not know where your 'home' is; I am unable to take you there," Austria stated, looking back down to continue reading the book.

"I can show you where it is," Kugelmugel stood up, tightening his braids and dusting off his pants, "I can never forget where it is."

Austria sighed, supposing he might as well allow Kugelmugel to visit his home, as he cleverly put it. Though, a child running through the city was sure to make him look like an awful parent, "Fair enough, lead me to it."

Kugelmugel walked to the door, Austria unlocking it since the lock was out of reach. When the door opened, Kugelmugel bolted outside, relishing in the snowy atmosphere that was common in this time of year. Austria gave haste in trying to follow as fast as he can, focusing his attention entirely on the running form of his child. He pushed past crowds, muttering apologies and excuses as he bumped into people. Some gave him a weird look, others rolling their eyes, and some hadn't even noticed they'd been hit.

Once Austria had caught up to Kugelmugel, said person standing in front of a caged spherical house, he grabbed both of his shoulders with a tight grip, "Never run off like that again! I thought I was going to lose you, Holy Rome!"

"Holy...Rome?" Kugelmugel lifted his head up to face the exhausted form of Austria, "Mr.Austria, I'm Kugelmugel."

"I– My apologies, but don't scare me like that; you almost gave me a heart heart attack!" Austria scolded, worry ever the visible in his tone and eyes, "You could've been hit by a car or- or a bicycle! Verdammte Scheiße– don't do that again or no paint for a week!"

"Verdammte Scheiße?"

"Don't repeat those words either," Austria half-pleaded, knowing that a certain Prussian would never let him live down teaching his own child a swear word.

A moment of awkward silence filled the gap between them, Austria standing up and viewing the sight before him. It must be sad, not being able to live in the place you were created in, "So, this is you, right?"

"Yes," Kugelmugel said, looking down at the ground, "I wish it wasn't locked up like this."

"I'm sure one day you'll be allowed to exist without these chains, Kugelmugel," Austria rested a hand on said persons shoulder, "On the topic of existence, I suppose you've lived long enough without a human name."

"A human name?" Kugelmugel asked, looking up at Austria with confusion, "Is Kugelmugel not enough to be considered a name?"

"In private with other nations, it is more than enough; however we need human names as to keep our existence hidden from humans," Austria explained, squatting down to meet Kugelmugel's gaze, "For example, my human name is Roderich Edelstein."

"Does that mean my name is Roderich Edelstein?"

"Nein, but you're right about the last name. It would be harder to pass by as...family if we had different last names," Austria choked out the very word family, not liking the fact that he had to use such a word to describe them, "You look like an Ehren, how does that sound?"

"Ehren Edelstein...That is my human name," Kugelmugel repeated, smiling warmly at Austria, "It sounds happy, Mr.Austria!"

"Good, I don't have any other ideas for names," Austria stood up, subconsciously taking Ehren's small hand into his own as if he'd done this dance many times before, "Shall we return home?"

"I...Okay, Mr.Austria!" Kugelmugel tried running fowards, only succeeding in dragging Austria with him for about two seconds before said nation put a stop to it.

"I like to think that earlier was enough running for today."

"But Mr.Austria, running is– is art!" Kugelmugel smirked, a devilish look in his smile, "Unless you want to carry me, piggyback riding is a...good _art_ equivalent of running."

"Im not giving you a ' _piggyback'_ ride," Austria narrowed his eyes, tightening his hold on Kugelmugel's hand.

A few minutes later and Austria found himself with Kugelmugel on his shoulders, excitedly chatting about how great of a view it was up there. Roderich had an exasperating look on his face, hands wrapped around Ehren's ankles as arms rested on his head, messing his hair.

A soft sigh left Austria's lips. He supposed he could get used to this.

\---

"May I ask you a question?" Kugelmugel bit down on his bottom lip, sending Austria warning signs. Such a strange action so out of the blue, it worried him. It had now been five months since Kugelmugel had moved in and Austria had developed some sort of parental bond with him, unfortunately enough. A large part of him hoped that this whole process would be over soon so that way he wouldn't grow any closer to Kugelmugel. However, a small part of him told him that he would be broken if Kugelmugel faded away just like he had done– just like _they_ had done. So for now he opted to shove the eventual emotional dilemma away from his list of concerns.

"Go ahead."

"Why do you hate me?" Kugelmugel asked, his eyes saddening, "Whatever it is I'm doing wrong, please tell me. I want to fix it...so you can be happy with me."

Austria's entire body froze, his eyes staring down at Kugelmugel's frail frame, "What makes you think I despise you?"

"You don't seem comfortable when you're in the same room as me," Kugelmugel looked down at the ground, his hands retreating to behind his back as his hips swayed from side to side, "You only play sad music when I'm around you too."

Austria swallowed down choked feelings, suddenly finding himself to be so much smaller in comparison to Kugelmugel. Had he shown himself to have such distasteful feelings towards his own child? His eyes softened as he sat down to meet the eye level of Kugelmugel, who he could now see was...crying. He had messed up horribly, hadn't he?

"Ehren, none of my feelings towards you are your fault," Austria comforted to the best of his ability, cupping Ehrens cheek and rubbing away spare tears, "You just happen to remind me of my past, which is something you cannot control."

"B-But, if I didn't exist, you wouldn't be tormented by such things, right?" Kugelmugel sniffed, trying his best to not break down in sobs, "I mean, I-I wasn't supposed to exist in the first place. I'm just here because my creator wanted to make a-art."

"You have every right to exist, don't ever say such things," Austria reluctantly pulled Kugelmugel into a tight embrace, the farthest he's ever gone in terms of physical contact to show that he cares, "He had a right to exist as well, even if he was born from the remains of a fallen empire."

"He?" Kugelmugel asked, his face perked up somewhat in interest.

"...He was like you in a way, I suppose. It would explain why you always remind me of him, now that I take the chance to think about it," Austria bit down on his inner cheek, his shoulders tensing, "He was very energetic and dedicated, almost too much so."

"He was almost like my first child, Holy Rome. He was quite the hassle; when he had finally ran out of energy for the day I was often half-conscious on the nearest seat. Even then, I still...loved him," Austria admitted, bringing forth a topic he didnt think he was ready for yet, "He was a good kid. He didnt deserve what happened to him; he didn't deserve to not be able to keep his promise to my other- er- adopted son."

"...do you miss him?" Kugelmugel asked, an innocent tone in his voice.

"More than anything in the world," Austria frowned, disapproving of the fact that he was being personal with someone who could very easily dissappear any second now, "After all of my children either left me or fell, I realized that I couldn't take care of children anymore. The very thought of taking another one under my wing sickened me far too much."

"...You hate me because you're scared?"

"I– Not exactly. It is silly, being scared of a child. However, I am deathly terrified of you. You could very easily dissappear at any second of the day and add onto the list of children I failed to protect," Austria tightened his hold, "I cannot find it in myself to hate you. I simply... I love you. I love you too much to protect myself from you."

"Do you really mean that, Mr.Austria?" Kugelmugel asked, a fragile flicker of hope in his words that made his heart burn.

"Feel free to call me dad; I have no more conviction towards attempting to push you away. The rest of our time might as well be spent properly addressing each other...son," the last word left a sour taste in his mouth, yet it simmered away nicely. Never did he think he would find it in himself to call another child belonging to him 'son' once more.

"Thanks...dad. Ich liebe dich," Kugelmugel spoke, burying his face into Austria's shoulder, relishing the scent and comfort it gave him.

"Ich liebe dich, Ehren," Austria muttered, the last figments of uncertainty and fear leaking away from him. A small memory of Holy Rome smiling at him as he walked off to battle another random empire stained his mind, only this time it pushed him to make a similar memory.

Maybe one day...he'll be able to make Ehren smile wide enough to where he'll never forget it. Even if it brings him nothing but sorrow if Kugelmugel is dissolved later in the future. Though, he still finds some sort of sad joy in the happy memories of those he's lost. Perhaps making more of those would be better rather than making unpleasant and awkward ones consisting of him pushing away a loved one out of fear.

As Austria plants a forehead kiss on the red tear streaked face of Kugelmugel, he decides to stop being afraid of the future and enjoy what he has now.


End file.
